Bleeding shadows
by Ara Mentas
Summary: Everything is taken away from you. Will your blood falling on the floor keep you sane? Or will you fall into shadows? Is there an in-between? Cutter fic. AkuRoku
1. Beginnings and explanations

Dear Diary Journal Thing,

God…I don't know why I'm doing this…Mom says it'll be a good way to vent my feelings considering I don't have friends to talk to…Not like I really need any…I might as well write about my family. Fist is my dad: Cloud Strife. He's a swordsman, which is kinda strange, but he's amazing at it. I don't see him very often. He's always gone for work. It has something to do with saving the planet or something…I think the people he's fighting are from Shinra or something like that. Then theres my mom: Tifa Lockheart(Strife). She used to be a professional boxer and used to help dad a lot before they got married. After they got married she still helped a lot, until she got pregnant with me and my two brothers. That's when she settled down in the house that dad owned on the destiny islands. He never used it. Being a guy I can't imagine being pregnant and having triplets, which brings me to my next point. My two brothers: Ventus and Sora. Ventus is the oldest of use three…But he's only older than me by three minutes and Sora by nine. He looks almost exactly like me. So does Sora for that matter. The only real difference is our hair color which is just slightly different. And by slight I mean just barely different that you wouldn't even notice unless we were all standing next to each other and you were really looking. That's how slight. That's just physically though. Personality wise we're all extremely different. Ventus is a pacifist, even though he's trained with swords before. That was just to please dad though. He's pretty calm and rational. I've only ever seen him angry once and it was to protect his boyfriend, Vanitus. Other than that he just gets annoyed. I mean his voice never rises above a normal voice unless he's extremely excited, which rarely happens. Lately he's been acting pretty strange…I wonder if him and Vanitas got into a fight…Might have to look into that. Next is Sora. He's my brother and I love him and all that crap, but his peppiness makes me want to barf. He's like a puppy: Over excitable, over happy and just plain annoying. He can talk non-stop about one topic for hours! And I do mean hours. I honestly believe that one of the doctors dropped him on his head when he was born and it messed with his ability to mature. He's fifteen, yet he has the maturity of a ten year old. He's actually pretty smart when it comes to school though. Surprising as that may be. He's in all those really high genius classes, which surprises a lot of people that have just met him. I was shocked to. Anyways, I'm in a lot of them too…the only ones we aren't actually on the same level on is math and sports. When it comes to math I'm only in geometry while his in calculus or something like that. And when it comes to sports he sucks. He's probably the slowest runner you'll ever meet, he can't throw anything more than four feet and if you'd ever seen him play dodgeball you'd laugh at how bad he is. If he didn't have gym with his friend Riku he would be leaving gym everyday in Riku's arms on the way to the nurses office. Then theres me: Roxas Strife. I am your stereotypical, rebellious, angry, cutter teenager. I mean I seriously fit all those stupid stereotypes. I'm sullen, quiet and withdrawn. When I'm not like that then I'm yelling, destroying something, or beating the crap out of someone (usually for picking on Sora). I've gotten in trouble for that more than once. I mean if I don't defend him those few times that Riku isn't there (he's like Sora's dog!), than who will? Certainly not his girlfriend, Kairi. She's to weak and frail. My teachers piss me off. They're constantly sending me to the councilors office for being "emotionally withdrawn" or "mentally unstable". I'm f***ing fine! I guess that's where my rebelliousness comes in. I don't really give a crap what they say, but I am not going to abide by any of it. They aren't my parents. They can't tell me what to do. I guess the bit at the top about me not having friends is a bit of an over exaggeration. I have three friends: Hayner, Pence and Olette. They're okay I guess, but we don't have to much in common. They're more like aqcuintances. I guess it's cause we all have shitty lives for one reason or another. I guess I'm kinda spoiled for writing that. I mean I live in a huge house(and I mean huge. I've gotten lost in it too many times to count) and can have pretty much anything I want…But it doesn't make me happy…Maybe it's 'cause my parent's are rarely home now. Maybe 'cause there isn't really anyone here that has something in common with me. Like really in common… I cut my wrists. It's not something I'm proud of or that anyones happy about, but it makes me feel a little bit better. I'm not gonna explain the reasoning behind it. I hide them under my wrist bands. I'm not exactly a long sleeved person and it's not like it's really ever cold here so…huh…I guess mom was right. It was easy to write in this stupid thing.

_**Roxas Strife**_

The pen falls to the desk with a light clicking sound and I flex my fingers. The writing session was killer on it, but it was easy. Just like mom ssaid it would be. Shadows have started to creep across the floor, the sun sinking behind the horizon and taking the light with it. I'm momentarily surprised that Iwas up here for so long, and that my mom hasn't called me down for dinner. Whatever. The house is extremely quiet when I head downstairs.

"Mom?" No reply. I step into the kitchen to find that it hasn't been touched since we packed everything away after lunch. "Sora? Ventus? Hello?" My yelling echo's through the eerily empty halls. I'm pretty sure that if I looked into a mirror right now I would look worried. Hell, I am worried. Then I remember that they were going to get the moving van tonight. Trust me to forget something like that. I'm gonna miss the Destiny Islands. They aren't much, but they're home.

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><p>Ara Mentas~ Hello to all you readers out there that may or may not have looked at this story! Thank you for looking at it! Really apreciate it. So if any of you out there have been reading my other stories and are going "When the hell are you gonna post?" or "Post already woman!" Than I apologize. I have writer retardation at the moment and my other stories will be on hiatus for awhile(and by awhile I mean a <em>really long<em> time


	2. Pain and Comfort

**Dear Diary journal still don't know what to call you thing,**

**The move was completely boring. A 3 hour boat ride and then another 2 hours drive to traverse town. At least Sora wasn't crying the entire time. I don't know exactly why, but Riku came with us. Maybe it's because he was only really friends with Sora or maybe it's because Riku doesn't have parents. Does that make us his foster family? Whatever... So we got to the house and thank God it isn't as huge as last time. Last time it took me months to figure out how to get anywhere. This time it's more of a middle sized house on an acre of land. It has five bedrooms, three bathrooms, a living room, two offices, a kitchen, dining room, a den and a second story that's just empty space. That is probably going to be a rec room or something of that nature. There is a part of the roof that's flat that can only be accessed through a ladder that comes down into my room. I've claimed it as a veiwing platform and everyone agrees. It's not like they're going to be up there anyway. None of them appreciate the night sky and twilight. The house is unpacked, except for the bedroom which everyone else is probably working on. Dad's home. I can't wait to find out what's goin to happen while he's here... Oh joy...I should probably start unpacking.**

_**Roxas Strife**_

A sigh escapes my lips and I get to work on emptying the boxes with all my crap. Ten minutes and seven cardboard cuts later, my room is it's familiar wreck. It's even the same colors as it used to be: Red and blue streaked walls with smatterings of purple where the colors mixed and gray/black carpet. The house is so new that everything is quiet. No squeeking or creaking or anything else like that and it's super clean. I walk down the hall and over to the calendar that my mom tacked to the wall. September second. Only four days until the start of school.

"Roxas. Come here!" My train off thought comes to a screeching halt (more like a crashing and an explosion) and I slowly turn to go to the living room. There is only one voice in the entire world that can sound calm, angry and quiet (of all things) at the same time. My dad's. It would be kind of terrible for me to say I hate my dad...but I do. He hated me first though. I honestly don't know why. It just kind of happened. I'm pretty sure it started when I was 12 and had started drifting away from everyone else. I was never very social to begin with, but after I turned 12 it was just meaningless. There was no point to making friends if they were just going to keep leaving me...It's not exactly like I could help it...It was just painful. Every time he's here there's something I've done wrong that he find's out about and then he bitches about it. It irritates me to no end. And here's what he does: My mom updates him on everything happening when she's here. He'll remember everything we, me specifically, have done wrong. Then he dredges it back up when he comes home which is usually months later. And what he usually is on us for is something that's happened right after he leaves for another mission. We still get in trouble for it though. And a lot of the time we forget about it and then when we say we have no idea what he's talking about we get in trouble for lying too. Mom says it's because he wants us to grow into responsible young men. What a load of bull shit. I step around the corner and into the living room hesitantly, slowly, as if I were approaching a dangerous animal (which I am). He's sitting in the chair next to the fireplace, hands folded in his lap. His eyes are cold and hard, calculationg and angry.

"What did I do this time?" No, this isn't resigned. Not at all. It's just a lot safer if I don't try to avoid it. Especially because I know this is a month's ago thing.

"I heard you got into a fight at school. Please, explain yourself."

"Are you kidding me? That was three months ago!"

"Answer the question, Roxas."

"He was teasing Sora and when Sora told him to leave him alone he punched him. So I ran to where they were and kicked the jerk to the next millenium, figuratively speaking." My legs are tensed ready to run. He's making his way towards me now and it makes adreniline rush through my body, screaming "FLEE! FLEE!"

"Fighting isn't okay, Roxas. You've been told that time and again."

"Then why is it okay for you? You fight people all the time!" My throat is burning from my small outburst, tears wanting to force there way out. His hand connects with my cheek and I take a tep back, hands automatically cupping the red mark.

"Watch your mouth, Roxas, and shape up your act. Fast." I don't acknowledge the words, I'm running to quickly. My door slams behind me, lock clicking into place and I slide to the floor against the door. Now you know why I cut. If my dad wasn't such an ass and if he didn't beat me everytime we saw each other I probably wouldn't be so depressed. Unconciously, I reach for my phone. Not totally sure why though. Hayner, Pence and Olette won't want to talk to me and I only have three other contacts, all of whom are in this house. I yell at Sora to go away and leave me alone before sliding my hand into my pocket and pulling out my knife. The burning red is my only comfort...

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><p>Sorry for the late update. I was not home friday and was not able to get on yesterday. I am drawing the above scene (Last sentence of last paragraph) and I will put the link on here when I am done with it.<p>

Ara Mentas~


	3. Surprises and Realizations

"Boarding School?"My chair clatters on the floor.

"Your Father and I believe that it will help with your anti-social lifestyle if you were to live with your peers. We just want to help, Roxas."

"What about Sora, Ventus and Riku?"

"They are going to stay here with us."I can feel the blood starting to run down my hands from my nails digging into the skin and the tears slowly sliding down me cheeks. Do they not know what they're doing to me? I mumble something, just barely loud enough for them to hear.

"What was that, Son?"

"I hate you! Your ruining my life!" I run from the room before they can answer. It seems like I'm doing a lot of running lately. I run from my Dad, I run from my Mom, I run from my problems, I run from my fears and I run from the pain. The thumping of my feet is somewhat soothing, a rhythm being established. The door slams against the wall and carpet turns to concrete. I don't know where I'm running. I don't know why it hurts so much. I don't know why I can't stop. Dirt crunches under my feet, small tufts of grass poking out of the barren ground. So barren. Just like my life. Branches whip into my face as I plunge into the forest. I finally collapse against the base of a tree, lost and alone. Sobs fill the air around me and I pull my legs to my chest, resting my head on my knees. They don't understand. They don't know how much they're taking away from me. Clouds cover the slowly rising moon, trapping me in eternal darkness.

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><p>There is no face anywhere that could describe the feelings I have right now as I step out of the car onto the school grounds. Not only am I being forced to go to a boarding school, but it's regulation to wear a uniform. A really ugly uniform. Black shorts, shirt and boots. All black. Sora jumps on me with a hug, catching me off gaurd and making me stumble under the weight.<p>

"Remember to write or email, kay?"

"I'll try." His arms slide from my neck and I grab my duffel bag from Ventus. With a last farewell I step onto the path and walk towards the administration building and a new life.

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><p>Dorms=Crap. Not because they're run down or anything like that. No, it's because you have to share the space. Well sort of. The dorms are set up like little apartments, so we're not sharing rooms, but we are sharing bathrooms and other spaces like that. I honestly thought that they would be private spaces...So as all this is running through my mind I'm standing in the doorway, looking like an idiot, thinking if I'm in the right place. And I'm not even looking like an idiot in private. Nope. My new roommate is staring at me like I'm an ignoramous or something.<p>

"Second door on the right." He looks back to his book, steel blue hair falling down and concealing his face. Yes, blue. His skin is kind of pale, like a milky pale, Dark blue eyes and is really skinny. He has a black shirt with dripping spray paint letters saying "KingDom HeartS" and black skinny jeans. Total emo...

"Who you talking to, Zexion?" So the emo's name is Zexion. A flame haired, and I mean flame red spiked hair, guy comes out of the hall and our eyes meet."Zexion! Why didn't you tell us we were getting a new roommate?"

"I would have if you weren't constantly out doing whatever with Demyx."

"Your just jealous because I actually can hang out with him without getting embarrassed." Zexions cheeks turn pink and he dips his head more."Well, I'm Axel and You've already met Zexion."He puts his arm around my shoulder and starts...Wait...When did he get over here? He pushes me into a chair and sits across from me on a coffee table."You are?"

"Oh...I'm Roxas. Roxas Strife."

"Nice to meet you, Roxas." And then I'm bombarded with so many questions I barely have time to answer."Do you have family?"

"Um...Yeah. I don't want to talk about them." I specifically don't want to talk about my bastard of a father. But he doesn't need to know that. He stops to think for a moment, green cat-like eyes fixed on my face. He stands up and pulls me to my feet.

"Let me show you your room and then you can change."

"I thought we had to-"

"Thats just during classes which don't start until tommorow." He heads down the hall and I follow, tossing my bag over my shoulder.

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><p>Dear diary journal stupid book,<p>

I think thats going to be your official new name from now on.

Dear stupid book,

These are some of the things I learned today

1) Axel is kind of insane

2) Zexion is very depressing...

3) The school has some of the stupidest rules ever

4) Don't let Axel near fire...EVER!

Sounds simple enough, right? I don't thi

"What ya writing, Roxie?" My arms instinctively cover the paper and I glare up at Axel.

"Have you ever heard of knocking?"

"Have you ever heard of not keeping secrets, Roxie?"

"Quit calling me Roxie. It's Roxas. Not Roxie. Roxas."

"Whatever. It's just a name. Quit moping and come on." He yanks me out of the chair and drags me from the apartment, yelling something to Zexion. We're already off campus by the time I can finally wrench my arm out of his grip.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere." It's silent after that until we reach a clock tower. There's nothing real notable about it.

"Start heading up the stairs. I'll follow in a minute." I nod my head and head for the stairs. He didn't say how high to go so I keep walking until I get all the way to the top.

"Sit."Axel's head is right next to my ear when he says that. I slide down against the clock and dangle my legs over the edge. He sits beside me and hands me an ice cream.

"This is really salty."I lick the top of it, relishing in the strange taste.

"It's sea-salt ice cream. Best ice cream ever and down at the bottom of this tower is the only place to get it. If the stick says winner you can take it down and get a free ice cream." It's silents and we eat our ice creams while watching the sun set in the distance. Maybe this won't be so bad after all.


	4. Terror and depression

"Come on, Roxas! We're going to be late!" Axel yells at me, probably from the hall. I mumble unintelligiably and bury my head under my pillow. A pair of hands clamp onto my ankles and drag me off my bed in three seconds.

"What the hell?"

"Hurry up, sleeping beauty. We have to get to class." Axel walks out while I grumble and start to throw on my uniform. We're out of the dorm and heade towards the math building a few minutes later. Axel is still following me when we get in the building.

"Is there a reason your following me?"

"I have miss Quistis as a teacher."

"Your taking geometry? Really?" It's actually really surprising. I was pretty sure he was smart. He acts like it.

"Failed it last year."

"Great." First I have to live with him and now he's in my first class of the day. Could this situation get any worse?

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><p><strong>Dear stupid book,<strong>

**Is it to much to ask for some alone time? Not only do I have to live with Axel, but my first two classes are with him. I'm lucky to be alive right now. Second period we both had professor Vexen and OH MY GOD he scares the crap out of me. I know chemistry is supposed to be about chemical reactions, but does it have to be about explosions? Professor Vexen blew up his desk. And I do mean blew up. It's a pile of black ash at the front of the class. Axel wasn't much better. If anything he was worse. He single handedly destroyed our island counter. And that thing was made out of stone. Like hardcore granite stone. I swear between Axel and Vexen we're all going to die by the end of the year.**

"Thats mean of you Roxas." I jump out of my chair, holding the book to my chest.

"I didn't think you'd be the kind of guy that writes in a diary. That's kind of a Zexion thing."

"When the hell did you get in here? And get off my desk!" Axel slides off the corner of wood, smirking in that annoying way of his.

"I've been sitting here the entire time you've been writing."

"That's creepy."

"There you go being mean again. Oh well. We need to leave now if your going to meet the rest of the group."

"Why are you so serious about everything? I can meet them tommorow. Just leave me alone and get out of my room." I turn my back to him and look for the page I was on. He sighs and walks out of the room, leaving me to my thoughts.

**_I finally have a friend_**

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><p>The walk to math is quiet today. Rain falls silently around us. An altogether depressing day.<p>

_"Roxas Strife to the administrative building." _The speakers cut through the silent air.

"What did you do?" I can tell that Axel is puzzled. I'm puzzled as well. I barely left my room.

"Nothing. I'll catch up with you later." I start walking towards the building, my thoughts consumed by possible reasons I would be going to the administrative building. I'm glad to get out of the rain though. The secretary looks up at me when I walk in, Pink hair falling into her(or his...) face. Is that a look of pity?

"The headmaster is ready to see you, Roxas." My chest constricts at the pity in his(yes it is a he) voice. I nod and walk down the hall to headmaster Xemnas's office. The atmosphere of his office is more dismal that it was outside and my chest becomes even tighter.

"Please sit, Roxas." His voice is pitying as well. Why? I sit on the edge of one of the chairs and look at him expectantly.

"Roxas...I'm sorry to have to inform you of this but..."He stops and I start to panic.

"But what? What's going on?"

"Your family has been killed in a terrible accident."

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><p><strong>OH I AM SUCH A BITCH!<strong>

**I am sorry for the late update. You may cyber smack me as many times as you want. I was sick last friday and all my stuff was in my locker at school and this week I had family over and it was hectic. Gomennasai. I will have another chapter up later tonight or tommorow morning. I also apologize for the shortness of the chapter.**

**~Ara Mentas**


	5. Agony and New beginnings

Warning: Extreme emoness and large amounts of blood

Disclaimer: I don't own kingdom hearts. If I did this would obviously be canon

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><p>It should have been a day like any other. It should have been me being happy, or annoyed, and slapping Axel upside the head for being stupid. Their smiles were so bright on the day I left, none of us thinking it would be the last. Our parting words now seem insignificant. There should have been more. It was just a casual farewell, just like any other regular day. No real meaning. Just a routine. The sky is now blue, devoid of clouds and the earlier storms. It is blue, just like me, and even without a cloud in sight it still rains. Light turns to dark, rain cascading down my solemn cheeks as I remember them. Sora's bubbling smile and Riku's annoyed frown that I knew hid a soft smile. Ma's sad smile as she said goodbye and Cloud's frown saying to not be an idiot. Who would have known it would be the last day we would meet. Shades of gray cover the once bright world as I fade away. The thought of another day fills me with unending loneliness, old memories swirling around my head. Blood drips onto the floor, a growing puddle slowly covering the wood floor. Not one scrap of skin has been left untouched, dead tatters hanging over the sides. There is no pain. There wasn't pain to begin with. Just an empty numbness. A distraction from the pain my life brings. The blade is switched to the other hand, slowly making a mark on clear white skin. Crimson drops well up from the wound and slide to drip in rythem with the rest. It means nothing though. Just an empty gesture to keep my mind from wandering. I wonder if I'm dieing. It feels like the cold hands of death have gripped my body. His ice forming around my soul and heart.<p>

**Axel's POV**

My fingers tap nervously on my desk. It's already been half an hour since Roxas left for the office. The storm clouds have moved on and the sun shines brightly through the window, but it does nothing to help my worries. The seconds slowly tic by, leaving me more on edge then before. I can't take anymore of this. The clock hits 8:17 and I jump from my seat. Everyone in the room looks up at me as I storm from the room. No time for pleasentries as my teacher yells for me to get back in the class room. My feet pound against the tiled floors, running at an unimaginably panicked speed. The doors burst open before me and I vault over the steps, hitting the ground running. Grass is ripped from the ground behind my frantic feet. Our dorm comes into sight and I run faster, the ground flying beneath my feet. The lights are off when I enter, my breath ragged.

"Roxas!" My voice echos in the empty space. I flick the light on and find the living room to be a wreck. The lamp has been knocked off the table, demyx's music scattered across the floor and bloody handprint on the wall. THe blood continues down the hallway. My breath catches in my throat and I follow the trail.

**Roxas's POV**

What is this noise that reaches my ears? It's not from my own mind. It is something else entirely. It is ignored. My eyes gaze at the bloody pulps once called arms. The white skin is now covered in jagged lines and liquid rubies. The knife is still sliding against skin in a vain attempt at distraction. Then it's gone, but it doesn't stop. My ragged nails now slide across skin, creating a burning sting. A Strong hand grips my wrist and pulls the hand away. I yank it from the grip and go back to my frantic scratching. A heavy pressure and burning reaches my face. My eyes uncloud from the bloody haze and focus on a worried Axel. His hand is poised to slap me again, blood covering his hand. He lowers his arm.

"Roxas..."His voice is sad and worried. My eyes fill with tears and I launch into his chest, gripping onto his back and burying my head in his body tenses before relaxing and his arms wrap around me. The room is silent except for my sobs as the world slowly goes black.

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><p>What is this feeling? This feeling of weightlessness? Everything floats past me. All of my wrongs. All my mistakes. The few things I've done right. My dad smiling at me. I'd almos forgotten about that. How he'd actually used to care. My mom, always happy and carefree. Sora and his bubbly attitude. Ventus, always trying to act serious. Zexion and Demyx. Why don't they just start dating already? And Axel...Stupid, sweet, annoying, amazing Axel. It's so dark here Axel. Everything here is wrong. It's twisted and corrupted. How can you not see this. Kind images of my parents slowly change. Tifa walking down the hall, not sparing a glance at her child, her worries more important. Cloud slapping a young 12 year old. The boy hiding under the roots of a tree in their yard, tears coursing down his cheeks. Did they ever even care? Did they care about the boy that was silently crying out for help? They never did anything to stop it.<p>

**Axel's POV**

Quiet whimpers come from the blonde, tears still sliding from his eyes to land on bloodstained fabric. He's slowly breaking in front of me and I can't do anything to stop it.

"Why? Why are you like this Roxas?"

"He is one of us now."

**Roxas's POV**

Voice's pull me to the surface. They drag me from my surreal world of pain and agony. From my hell. I wake with a gasp. A hand reaches over and brushes the tears from my cheeks. My eyes flick over to meet with Axel's. Still concerned. Still hurt.

"You slapped me."Why? Out of all the things I could have said and I say that. What is wrong with me? Axel looks at me, startled and confused."I'm alone, Axel. So alone."

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><p>Axel has me out of my room as soon as I can walk. He won't even tell me where we're going. Hand's cover my eyes and lead me somewhere. The hands leave my eyes after a short amount of time...Or was it a long amount of time? The sudden light blinds me and I blink rapidly. Axel is no londer by my side. Instead I stand alone on a pedastal in the middle of a ring of twelve.<p>

"You're not alone anymore."

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><p><strong>I AM SO SORRY! I lost the first half of this chapter and had such a hard time re-writing it. This is total crap compared to the original. I'm so sad by how this came out. You are free to smack me upside the head andor pelt me with rocks. I totally deserve it for this peice of shit.**

**~Ara Mentas**


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